Announcement

From this day on, all that will be posted here will be from different perspectives than that of my cat. From other cats, it's sure, but not that of Sid Arthur of East Palo Alto.

Thank you for time up until this point, and for your continued cooperation. The remainder will only be a brief interruption.

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world not possibly born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

take me far from this world that pulls me far from the truth

leave my spirit contained within the memories of our love

these aren't my final words, your last tears, the end, the beginning or anywhere in between.

this just is.

A rural nowhere (from which I want to go home)

I was taken here, I don't know why. I think everyone was of the mind I needed some drastic change. This isn't what I asked for. It's sure, I was becoming something bad: eating compulsively, loving for a distraction, my sleep was all fucked up, I was saying things that would confuse me as I was saying them, a look in the mirror felt tragic, days would pass all bunched together and feel like a pill stuck on the way down, and now I'm here. With no one. Who honestly thought this would be the proper repair for my life? I've been handed off into a place where there's no room for who I was. Corruption works harder to exist in these rural settings, but it's still here, and it's driving me more insane.

nutrition and schedules

it's late. i'm eating. practically binging if you need to know. i don't find there to be a problem with that. it's natural. so what, i eat?

The only way to protect your child is by teaching them to love

Once I had a son. I knew he was mine. In certain tender moments the world was nothing more than he and I and the feelings between us, and my heart would break. It would break because if anything was ever mine in the world it was him. He couldn't have come to be without me or continue to exist without someone who could be trusted to take care of him. And I was fine to be that person who he belonged to. Until in one of these moments, during a rush of all these feelings I'm hit with the realization that nothing belongs to us. Nothing is ever ours when we ourselves are at the mercy of forces beyond our power. And I began to turn away from the most obvious thing I knew to trust. I regret attachment. I know love doesn't protect, it hurts and kills.

Georgey Dear

"Depression is the only rational response to life, and those who say different aren't getting the gravity of the situation."

so they can hear me when i come

we were kids and i wanted the damn bell off of my neck. I was just a kid and I wanted the bell the fuck off of my neck. If I'm going to grow I need a quiet place and some solitude, not to be another fool's circus act. I've eaten food for three days without my stomach telling me to do so once. Actually, when was I ever hungry? Survival instincts belong to other beasts and I'm just barely scraping by. I'm going to be an old scraper cat with a bell around my neck and a party hat. And on that note I'll swallow some fur to gag up later. Hopefully someone sees it, feels a little grossed out and we can chalk that up as a connection. I'm so lost, lonely, and in need of a little love.

what can you buy with a picture?

I'd disappear if it were to be beautiful with you.

burning bright on a dull sunday

I don't want to party, I want to celebrate. Partying is for those who wish they had done things differently.

ambient love transductionAMBIENT LOVE TRANSDUCTIONambient love transductionambient love transductionambient love transductionAMBIENT LOVE TRANSDUCTIONAMBIENT LOVE TRANSDUCTIONAMBIENT LOVE TRANSDUCTIONambient love transductionambient love transductionambient love transductionambient love transductionAMBIENT LOVE TRANSDUCTION

tHe MOrE UgLy yoU seE mE tHe MoRe i Am ThiS

And I can fly

my dreams are seashells on the tanks of grandmas toilets.

the high makes sense. who hung that there?

yeah, yeah - and they said i'd be better off a yapper in some cunt's shoulder bag?

it's not perverted: but him who fucks the other harder for saying that it is.

LOL Cats: A Mockery

If there is a god, there's a loophole in his good grace that this day just slid right through.
...And I was feeling good this morning.

Worms

What I appreciate about illness, is it tears away all our false ideas of who we are physically, and through it we're freed of any insecurities.

i only use god to bless others, for everything else i call on the winds of chance.

the theme lately seems to be "what has passed"

last night i went somewhere, a place i really got my groove on at 6yrs ago. i don't think I would have said that then (perhaps nor would any eye witnesses). i've been there plenty of times since, but i just kept thinking about that time 6 years ago. another time 4 years ago. back one more, 5 years ago. last year was fucked. puke with a twist. a piece of nuck lodged in your nose and you turn away so no one sees.

those were glory days, but last night i spent in someone else's noise, a sweaty glass. my ice has melt.

stroll

"my blood rises to meet the sun against my skin
lemonade drizzle
a beetle ricocheted off my temple
relax the controlling muscles of my face"

this clump of words came back to me today while walking down the sidewalk. it was nice out.

they remind me of the desperate need to cling to all that is meant to come and go, but before i'm reminded of that, i just feel great, and think - happiness is constant, and we move with it.

i want a bf i can beatbox with

i wasn't supposed to do what i did


she wasn't supposed to do what she did




why did i do what i did?

and he says "i think it would look hot shaved"

shit shit shit - i've built up a tolerance to all the things i bounce between throughout the day that bring me instant gratification. isn't that the shits, god damn it, fuck! now i don't have any other ideas, or even belief that there's something else i'm going to discover i don't know about already that could satisfy me! that said all the shit i know i need to ease the passing of time is leaving me BO(RED). This is a mess i never thought i'd be in. i want to break something. i want to smash a bunch of shit in a lot of tiny little pieces and wait for someone else to find it and watch them clean it up and then go fuck something else up for them to find later. (roll onto my other side, arch my back, curl my hind legs in and stretch my front legs out. stretch and strain) no damage i can do could possible make someone join me in the misery i feel myself gradually sinking into.

just wash this blanket. maybe it's the smells triggering something. i'm not trying to play the victim.

it's over and over

The real face she makes can’t be practiced or learned, it’s dirty and she has no control over it. once it's out, so is mine, and we become what we can be nowhere else in the world. Just because the way she fucks me.

the lazy fool i am

Just spinning my wheels and my place is a mess. I feel good that i’m ok with it, but really I’m scared of five more years on my face and who’ll i’ll be answering to then.

powerful things like magic wands sprouting from bellies and S.S.I. (that was to lighten things up)

gonna go lay in bed and think it’s going to take forever to fall asleep, then it’s tomorrow and i can’t remember now, until later in the day and can’t rememeber what reason i wanted to remember it for. Oh, because i wanted to explain clearly the lazy fool i am.

"Man's dearest possession is life and it is given to him to live but once. He must live so as to feel no torturing regrets for years without purpose; so live as not to be seared by the shame of a cowardly and trivial past; so live that dying he can say 'all my life and all my strength were given to the finest cause in all the world - the fight for the liberation of mankind.' "

Indy my Indy

I miss my friend. So bad he feels like my last friend. Like the three lives ahead of me could turn out to be one single lonely memory. Did the only real life I’ll ever have leave with him? Who can touch me and wake something up? Loneliness is contagious and with no one here mine just works that much harder on me. It’s a relentless little bitch and it laughs when I cry. I’m waiting to dance when I’m dead on broken pieces of knick knacks in a field of forever. Food.

listening

When I listen to music it’s because I need it. And I don’t care that it’s just popped up and it’s the next cool thing, or everyone is listening to it. I want to listen to someone who made their music because they needed to as much as I’m needing to listen to it in this moment: The need is the same.

This song right now, it breaks me apart, and I feel fine dying a thousand deaths in a million pieces.

cozy

i take naps throughout the day. each time i do, just before shutting down for sleep, i get ok with dying. then when i wake up, i'm fine with the end being near.

no, i'm just different

i got in a fight with this one dude over something stupid. whatever, it's a dumb story. but at one point he tried to call me out and told me i was jealous.

on my walk home i thought - i don't feel jealousy. i just fall further into sadness. how do i feel jealousy? i want that.

just do whatever and get off me

it's late again and all i want to say is: by the time we think of it - it's past.

there's too much to keep track of

everyone thinks their priorities are top of the list. but that's fine. i want yours to take the lead. i'm just never worried anything i'm counted on for has to get done, so let's make sure you can cross it all off. let you breathe.

gosh

i can't stop fretting over how life feels like a gift we love, that isn't ours, and we have to give back. It feels like nothing more than a thin resource we depend on, and since it can't fuse to become a part of me, it's impossible to spend a minute unaware of it's flaws.

whatever it says, isn't this a lovely graphic?

i've been bad

like when i was young, before my earliest memories, over and over i'm setting out to find negative attention, because from there if i prove them wrong it isn't much to lose. suppose they had some other idea of me i had to work harder to maintain - now that would be too gallantly a walk into the unknown.

"we make companions out of air and hurt them, so they will defy us, completing creation."

nurturrrr

I get so emotional about the past because where we are at the present. There's nothing I can do. I just want to love who we were then and know we're all doing ok now.

This cat's gotta take a nap.

a hand

can someone just tell me what the weather's like outside? just curious. it's weird it's light now, but i slept for a while and went to bed when it was light, so I can't think what day it might be. ugh... oh wait, no it's not light, i just looked out the window. well shit i'm just going to go back to sleep for a while. i'm around if anyone needs anything.

groundhog's days

"DAYS, pale slices between nights, they blend, not exactly alike, transparencies so lightly tinted that only stacked all together do they darken to a fatal shade."

it's solid

this self-doubt today like being on the bottom of a dogpile and not bothering to tell anyone i can't breathe

Keep those pictures away from me. It's like life gets more and more corrupt with each roll of film. Those pictures represent ways we can never replicate. We've lost the innocence to. And all those other cats beside me there have either lost their lives or I don't know where they've gone, but that group photo has me feeling so tragic I'll just assume the worst. I don't want to eat. I've never learned to swim. The sun is all I know that warms me. If all that is true is people and love then in retrospect I don't know if I've ever felt either. And I've been held so many times...

paula cole

this is my feeling right now:

my dreams are becoming a reality - in that they're seeming totally unrealistic.

how we use each other

I sit and I say nothing. I sleep but I'm listening. They don't see this, but I've become a database for inspiration, the only inspiration they need to be independent. Which comes as a surprise considering the whole concept of me is to depend on them the way they think they depend on each other: but that's not real. Without leaving this living room I know the entire universe. I have a sense of it so full it could swallow my domesticity. I am just a prop in this show that's my home, but as much as I am, I still am an integral vessel of the natural world. Thank god. God is me, you, them, and the space in between... that's how we use each other.

Just been chilling

We've had guests here for the the past three nights. They rape my couch into a sofabed just before midnight each night. I don't know where to go. Sometimes outside feels good, but there's no safety there. I haven't slept with anyone going on weeks now. The desire's just not there. I throw up after every meal. I cry for no reason. When will time change? Is this real life?