i only use god to bless others, for everything else i call on the winds of chance.

the theme lately seems to be "what has passed"

last night i went somewhere, a place i really got my groove on at 6yrs ago. i don't think I would have said that then (perhaps nor would any eye witnesses). i've been there plenty of times since, but i just kept thinking about that time 6 years ago. another time 4 years ago. back one more, 5 years ago. last year was fucked. puke with a twist. a piece of nuck lodged in your nose and you turn away so no one sees.

those were glory days, but last night i spent in someone else's noise, a sweaty glass. my ice has melt.

stroll

"my blood rises to meet the sun against my skin
lemonade drizzle
a beetle ricocheted off my temple
relax the controlling muscles of my face"

this clump of words came back to me today while walking down the sidewalk. it was nice out.

they remind me of the desperate need to cling to all that is meant to come and go, but before i'm reminded of that, i just feel great, and think - happiness is constant, and we move with it.

i want a bf i can beatbox with

i wasn't supposed to do what i did


she wasn't supposed to do what she did




why did i do what i did?

and he says "i think it would look hot shaved"

shit shit shit - i've built up a tolerance to all the things i bounce between throughout the day that bring me instant gratification. isn't that the shits, god damn it, fuck! now i don't have any other ideas, or even belief that there's something else i'm going to discover i don't know about already that could satisfy me! that said all the shit i know i need to ease the passing of time is leaving me BO(RED). This is a mess i never thought i'd be in. i want to break something. i want to smash a bunch of shit in a lot of tiny little pieces and wait for someone else to find it and watch them clean it up and then go fuck something else up for them to find later. (roll onto my other side, arch my back, curl my hind legs in and stretch my front legs out. stretch and strain) no damage i can do could possible make someone join me in the misery i feel myself gradually sinking into.

just wash this blanket. maybe it's the smells triggering something. i'm not trying to play the victim.