"Man's dearest possession is life and it is given to him to live but once. He must live so as to feel no torturing regrets for years without purpose; so live as not to be seared by the shame of a cowardly and trivial past; so live that dying he can say 'all my life and all my strength were given to the finest cause in all the world - the fight for the liberation of mankind.' "

Indy my Indy

I miss my friend. So bad he feels like my last friend. Like the three lives ahead of me could turn out to be one single lonely memory. Did the only real life I’ll ever have leave with him? Who can touch me and wake something up? Loneliness is contagious and with no one here mine just works that much harder on me. It’s a relentless little bitch and it laughs when I cry. I’m waiting to dance when I’m dead on broken pieces of knick knacks in a field of forever. Food.

listening

When I listen to music it’s because I need it. And I don’t care that it’s just popped up and it’s the next cool thing, or everyone is listening to it. I want to listen to someone who made their music because they needed to as much as I’m needing to listen to it in this moment: The need is the same.

This song right now, it breaks me apart, and I feel fine dying a thousand deaths in a million pieces.

cozy

i take naps throughout the day. each time i do, just before shutting down for sleep, i get ok with dying. then when i wake up, i'm fine with the end being near.

no, i'm just different

i got in a fight with this one dude over something stupid. whatever, it's a dumb story. but at one point he tried to call me out and told me i was jealous.

on my walk home i thought - i don't feel jealousy. i just fall further into sadness. how do i feel jealousy? i want that.

just do whatever and get off me

it's late again and all i want to say is: by the time we think of it - it's past.

there's too much to keep track of

everyone thinks their priorities are top of the list. but that's fine. i want yours to take the lead. i'm just never worried anything i'm counted on for has to get done, so let's make sure you can cross it all off. let you breathe.

gosh

i can't stop fretting over how life feels like a gift we love, that isn't ours, and we have to give back. It feels like nothing more than a thin resource we depend on, and since it can't fuse to become a part of me, it's impossible to spend a minute unaware of it's flaws.

whatever it says, isn't this a lovely graphic?

i've been bad

like when i was young, before my earliest memories, over and over i'm setting out to find negative attention, because from there if i prove them wrong it isn't much to lose. suppose they had some other idea of me i had to work harder to maintain - now that would be too gallantly a walk into the unknown.

"we make companions out of air and hurt them, so they will defy us, completing creation."

nurturrrr

I get so emotional about the past because where we are at the present. There's nothing I can do. I just want to love who we were then and know we're all doing ok now.

This cat's gotta take a nap.

a hand

can someone just tell me what the weather's like outside? just curious. it's weird it's light now, but i slept for a while and went to bed when it was light, so I can't think what day it might be. ugh... oh wait, no it's not light, i just looked out the window. well shit i'm just going to go back to sleep for a while. i'm around if anyone needs anything.

groundhog's days

"DAYS, pale slices between nights, they blend, not exactly alike, transparencies so lightly tinted that only stacked all together do they darken to a fatal shade."

it's solid

this self-doubt today like being on the bottom of a dogpile and not bothering to tell anyone i can't breathe

Keep those pictures away from me. It's like life gets more and more corrupt with each roll of film. Those pictures represent ways we can never replicate. We've lost the innocence to. And all those other cats beside me there have either lost their lives or I don't know where they've gone, but that group photo has me feeling so tragic I'll just assume the worst. I don't want to eat. I've never learned to swim. The sun is all I know that warms me. If all that is true is people and love then in retrospect I don't know if I've ever felt either. And I've been held so many times...

paula cole

this is my feeling right now:

my dreams are becoming a reality - in that they're seeming totally unrealistic.

how we use each other

I sit and I say nothing. I sleep but I'm listening. They don't see this, but I've become a database for inspiration, the only inspiration they need to be independent. Which comes as a surprise considering the whole concept of me is to depend on them the way they think they depend on each other: but that's not real. Without leaving this living room I know the entire universe. I have a sense of it so full it could swallow my domesticity. I am just a prop in this show that's my home, but as much as I am, I still am an integral vessel of the natural world. Thank god. God is me, you, them, and the space in between... that's how we use each other.

Just been chilling

We've had guests here for the the past three nights. They rape my couch into a sofabed just before midnight each night. I don't know where to go. Sometimes outside feels good, but there's no safety there. I haven't slept with anyone going on weeks now. The desire's just not there. I throw up after every meal. I cry for no reason. When will time change? Is this real life?